Big Brother comes to Peabody Street

The recent rash of herb burglaries has lead many to question the safety of our beloved street. With the temperatures rising, like so many cicadas, area criminals are crawling from their holes to prowl the seemingly sheltered neighborhood.

The Metropolitan Police Department is well aware of the situation and has hit back hard. This week, the MPD rolled out a shiny new ED-210, the latest in robotic crime prevention from industry giant Omni Consumer Products. Unlike previous models, the ED-210 is primarily a stationary, camera-based device capable of capturing criminals in 7 stunning megapixels of high-definition clarity.

The full weapons capability of the ED-210 remains classified, although many area residents continue to make increasingly optimistic speculations. “That thing’s got bazookas in there, I know it!” remarked one area man. Squad Captain Alex Murphy, who heads up MPD’s robotic crime prevention detail had this to say about the new initiative on Peabody, “we’re just doing our job.” The Peabody Street Observer salutes you, Captain Murphy; godspeed.

Herb thief on the loose!

Lock up your pantries ladies, a recent spate of targeted burglaries has Peabody Street residents fearing for the safety of their herb gardens. The area has been peppered with reports of local herb crops being picked and plundered in the dead of night by a masked prowler. “Father Thyme,” as locals have dubbed him, has been hitting gardens, flower pots and planters in the area for the last several nights. Cilantro, rosemary, basil and dill are all reported missing; presumptive casualties to Thyme’s haul.

 

MPD’s Gardens Division spokesperson, Eloise Kristoffersen, had some sage advice for concerned herb keepers: “Don’t plant anything at ground level you can’t afford to lose. Keep your more valuable crops in window box planters at least 15-20 feet off the ground. Remember the herb gardener's old adage, ‘All-spice and a watchful eye keep the care-away.’”  The Observer will continue to monitor our very own ‘Cumin Missing Crisis’ until Father Thyme’s reign has been clipped, chiffonaded and muddled into the cocktail of justice.  

Missing Diver

An untethered mask and snorkel were discovered just south of the intersection of Peabody and 5th Streets NW on Monday afternoon. While no persons have been reported missing from the nearby Takoma Aquatic Center, local diving experts point out the obvious connection to the center based on Peabody Street’s land-locked nature. MPD has yet to comment on what if any investigation is underway in retrieving the lost diver. While some residents are eager to cry “landshark,” others meet the cautionary detritus with a more measured response. “This is why you always dive in pairs. Poor fellow should’ve had a dive buddy” remarked one passerby. This is the first diving-related accident of the year reported on Peabody Street.

Area schools closed for the weekend

Area students must fend for themselves for the next couple of days while local schools report closures on both Saturday and Sunday this weekend. Parents were shocked to learn on Friday that schools would not be open for the weekend. “This is not surprising at all, this happens every single weekend. What’s wrong with you?” quipped one outraged parent. Students were equally miffed by the forfeiture of their weekend education. “Wait, are you serious?” remarked one student in disbelief. We’re serious alright, you read it in the Observer first: NO SCHOOL THIS WEEKEND.

Some speculate the 5 day schedule was enacted as a cost-cutting measure by the District. DC Public School chancellor Kaya Henderson was not available for comment as she had reportedly “taken off for the weekend.” The office of errant education tsar Michelle Rhee provided the Observer with the following comment: “Ms. Rhee has no comment.” The Observer’s investigative team will continue to probe deeper into this story as we hope to uncover the heart of weekender culture and its impact on the decline of modern American society.

Weekend school closures in the area:

Paul Public Charter, Coolidge High, Whitier Education Campus, Nativity Catholic, Capital City Public Charter, Jewish Primary Day School of the Nation’s Capital, Latin American Montessori Bilingual Public Charter

*Little Rascals Doggie Day Care and Boarding will remain open through the weekend

Fashionably late

The conspicuous absence of Peabody Street’s cherry blossoms have many area tourists and residents bemoaning the tardiness of the popular flora. With the peak bloom for the region pushed back again, some are questioning whether or not the flowers will make an appearance at all this year. “My cousin was up here from Anacostia to drop off some things and I thought she’d get to see the blossoms on the corner...guess she won’t” griped one local. However, another longtime Peabody Street native is taking it in stride, “They’ll come out, they always do.”

Meteorologists at the Hughes Tower Observatory cite exceptionally long shadows being cast by area trees this Spring as a factor in the blossoms’ timidness. Whether or not the blossoms are coming to this year’s party remains to be seen, but rest assured, the Observer will keep you up to date with developments on the story.

Mulch pile turning heads

A new mulch pile at the Peabody Street Community Garden is impressing locals and passers-by alike. The grade-A mulch was recently trucked in from western Maryland to be ready for the kickoff of the garden’s sowing season. The 1.2 tons of prime Butternut-Sugar Maple blend arrived at the garden Wednesday morning greeted by an excited crowd of gardeners and mulch enthusiasts. “We always get excited about the Spring mulch dump” remarked one local present at the dumping ceremony, “It marks the beginning of the gardening season. We’ve been bringing the kids out for years.” Another eager supporter cheerily chimed in, “Smell that? This is really good mulch!” The pile will be on display for the duration of the season. Park officials remind parents that climbing on the pile is strictly prohibited by the District's Code of Appropriate Park Conduct.

What's that noise?

Many along the Peabody Street corridor were awoken last night to the sounds of what one ear-witness described as “a demon devouring a squeaky toy.” Fear not, dear readers, these are the sounds of springtime and love is in the air! Raccoon mating season is upon us filling the night air with the singularly disturbing sounds of nature’s wonder and glory. Dr. Picoides, The Observer’s chief nature correspondent describes the phenomenon:

Procyon lotor, more commonly known as the North American Raccoon, enter the mating season during the early Spring months in a period triggered by the moon’s proximity to the ice caps. During the mating season, males restlessly roam their home ranges in search of wanton females in an attempt to court during the 3-4 day period when conception is possible. These encounters will often occur at predesignated central meeting places, as agreed to by the raccoon governance council. Copulation, including a diversity of foreplay, can last over an hour and is repeated over several nights, or until one of the participants “taps out.”

So, batten down the hatches at night for the next couple of weeks dear readers, because Peabody Street’s next generation of raccoons are in the works.